Passion or Security?

The other day, I saw a post on Facebook by a person a couple decades younger than me asking which was the smarter choice, as they looked for a career: One that would help build financial success for them or one that allowed them to pursue their passion? Its a questions we all face, whether we ask it or not. Given my life experiences, I offer my humble thoughts on this subject.

First, its important to recognize financial "success" is a variable goal, and not necessary mutually exclusive from pursuing ones passion. For one person financial success might mean being able to pay their bills, house, clothe and feed themselves and be relatively free from worry over basic money issues. For someone else, it might mean having more money than they can ever spend in a single life time, to have virtually nothing out of their financial reach if they choose to pursue it.

Each choice has pros and cons, but its important to determine for yourself what level of financial security you are comfortable with. What your personal financial expectations for living are will greatly determine what choices you have for following your passion. If you insist on extreme wealth, and your passion is painting watercolor landscapes, chances are you'll have to keep painting as a hobby and devote the majority of your time to pursuing money. On the other hand, if you're fine with a modest lifestyle, and your passion is analyzing markets and investing, you might find you have more money than you need.

Now, the more interesting and less academic part of the question is what is your passion? As a culture, we seem to be under the impression that we all have one thing we are passionate about, and if we just figure that out, we can build a happy life around that. There are untold numbers of self-help books and gurus devoted to helping you find your "one true calling." That belief is wrong.

Everyone has many different and varying interests, and these change throughout your life. There is no single thing that will make you happy, you have lots of options. Which ones you choose to follow will determine a lot about your life -- up to the point where you choose to follow a different one.

I'll use my life as an example. As a young child I was very creative, I built toys out of cardboard I scavenged from dumpsters, for a time I was obsessed with doing pencil drawings of geometric shapes. In my teen years, I became interested in photography, and I choose to go to school for that after high school. At this point, it looked like I would probably lead the life of a "creative." Except I had no interest in business, in book keeping and marketing and all the things I'd have to do to make a living that way.

Instead, I worked in restaurants and picked up photo jobs on the side. I was poor, but pretty content at 21, living week to week. Most people would say I wasn't going anywhere, that I'd never amount to much. But I was pursuing a passion and not that concerned about money.

Then my circumstances changed, I became a single father. Now the priorities shifted, being a parent was most important, which made money more important. I had no real skills of value and had not gotten a degree.  I had to take the jobs I could find and live in my parents' basement for a few years.

Eventually, I stumbled into a job making counter tops. Not glamorous or high paying, but good work and I enjoyed building things. That lead eventually to a job with a kitchen designer who was very supportive of me as a parent. Again, the money wasn't going to make me rich, but I was able to move my son and I out of my parents house. Most importantly, I was able to be a good father.

During this time I still did some photography, but mainly work related, not the artistic stuff I was passionate about. Designing and building things used my creative skills, and was satisfying, but the things I created where never purely my own, they were meant to fill a need for someone. In my parents basement, I tried to start a graphic arts company, but that didn't go anywhere.

I also limited my potential income early on by choosing not to work over time or weekends, because I was parent. A choice I never regretted, but it didn't make things easy. I chose passion (parenting) over finance.

Eventually, my boss retired and helped me start up my own business as a custom woodworker, simply turning the best of what I did for her, into my own business. For several years I did very well. I was good at what I did, had a reputation for quality work and for being a problem solver. My business expanded and I was able to buy a house. To some extent I was following my passion, but it also was a financial decision.

I was never very good at running the business. Just as years before, I had no interest in the business side of things, I just liked building and creating. It never grew into more than a one my operation. If I had prioritized growing the company, adding employees, and expanding, I would have probably made more money and been more secure, but I also would have had to spend less and less time doing the hands on things I enjoyed. Passion over finance.

In a perfect world, I would have been just fine doing my one-man business for a long time. But that's not the world we live in. When the Great Recession hit, it hit the housing market first and that was me. I lost everything, including my house. I was nearly 40 and starting over with nothing.

It was an extremely stressful few years of my life. It took a toll on my health and relationships. My self-esteem and confidence were shattered. I questioned a lot of my life choices. Had I chosen a more financially secure path years ago, thing might have been different for me. If I had gotten a degree, I would have had more job options when I lost my business. I considered trying to go back to school, but I had a child with college dreams of his own and now money to help him, let alone my self. Financial security looked really good and completely out of reach during that time.

I found work managing a warehouse, that didn't last. I pursued acting as a career for a time. As any cliche will tell you, actors need other jobs to support themselves. So I got back into restaurant work. I started bartending in chef-driven local restaurants and discovered I loved bartending. For the past 6 years I've been doing that, building on my successes to reach a pretty comfortable point.

There's one passion of mine I haven't talked about: Writing.

I hated school. I have always been a terrible speller. So many of my childhood memories revolve around my struggles to spell and being bullied by teachers and made fun of by kids and constantly disappointing my parents.  In high school, I did finally have a teacher take an interest in my writing and encourage me, but after school, I didn't do much.

When I had my woodworking business, I kept a blog detailing projects for people. As a bartender I also have blog that I occasionally post to, but not regularly. I always seem to want to write about things, to tell stories, to explain things (thus this very post!)

Remember my brief foray into acting? That's because I love movies. Its a serious passion of mine, one that has consumed a large part of my life for as long as I can remember. But not one I ever even considered making a career of, until I tried acting. Acting was the first time I saw how screen plays were written.

My whole life, while I spent long, quiet hours alone working on projects (wood working can be a lot of repetitive steps) my brain was always thinking, holding conversations, creating stories, coming up with interesting ideas. From time to time I had tried to write some of them in book form, but I never seemed to be able to make that work.

Screenplays on the other hand were a format that made sense to me. So I wrote a short one. Then I began trying to write a longer one. Then I gave up. Then I tried again. I gave up again. Then I tried again, this time diving into books and video seminars and podcast about writing, and I finished it. The another, then another... And I have many others in my head waiting their turn. I spend hours a week doing it, and it hasn't made me a dime. Maybe someday it will, maybe not.

Turns out writing is a passion of mine, too. Looking back, it should have been obvious from the beginning, but it took me four decades to recognize it.

How does all this relate to the initial question, passion or security? Some people think that if you work hard and save money, you can ensure financial security, which will allow you to follow your passions later. That may work out for you, but as I found out, it can all be taken away from you by circumstances out of your control.

You could get hit by a bus, the economy could collapse, you could get sued, or choose the wrong partner, your job could get outsourced. A million random things could take away years of hard work, and then you're stuck starting over, your back against the wall, with less time than before, to build your security -- And your passion postponed indefinitely. There is no guarantee.

Other people will tell you, follow your passion and it will lead to success. Will it? How many starving artist are out there? How many millions of unpublished authors are their? How many would be actors are serving tables or tending bar? How many high school athletes dream of going pro and how many actually make it?

I followed some of my passions, and some worked out, others didn't.

There simply are no sure-fire answers. What I can tell you is this: Try to find a balance. A life spent postponing the things that give you joy, the things that make hours slip by unnoticed is not a life worth enduring. The things make you feel accomplished, even before another human being knows you did it, those are the things you need in your life. If they won't bring you the financial security you want, then make time for them outside of work. If your work isn't your true passion, try to find something you can at least enjoy.

Do not neglect your financial comfort either. If you can't pay your bills, the constant stress ruins your life, your health and your relationships. I know, because I've experienced it more than once.

You may get lucking and make a fortune following one of your passions, but the odds are against it. That does not mean you can't live a fulfilling life doing something else, as long as you seek balance.

My Rules for a Fulfilling LIfe

"So what do you do when you get to that point in life where you don't have anything to live for anymore. Or you feel like you have no purpose, except to go to work?"

That's the question a friend of  mine asked on Facebook the other day, and it struck me, not because I feel that way, but because I don't. In fact, I had to think really hard to remember a time when I did feel that way. Which made me wonder why I don't feel that way, because I know its a common thing for a lot of people.

Years and years ago, when I became a single father, I decided to make being present as a father my priority, over making more money to give my child a "better" life. At the time, I was struggling to survive on $250 a week with a kid. I told my employer I would not work past 5pm or on weekends. At first is was really hard, but eventually, that choice led me to work with people who supported the decision and that turned into a work life and eventually a business that supported me as a single father. 

Fatherhood was the reason I had, but I don't believe its the cause for my having the fulfilled life I do now. I used fatherhood as a socially acceptable reason to not bow to the pressure to work more and more and to make money a priority for my existence, but one does not need to be a parent to make those choices.

I joke that I have a lousy work ethic. I want to work as little as possible to have a life I enjoy, and I don't want to work now, so I can have a good life later, I want it now. Over the years, I've developed strategies and habits that have helped me create a life I truly enjoy on a daily basis. In simple terms, here's my "rules" for a happy daily life (in no particular order):

• Get a job that inspires you. Sounds simple, but it might mean giving up your career, or not doing what you studied in college, and you might not even know what that job is! But if you're job doesn't regularly satisfy you on an emotional and intellectual level, get a new one, and keep moving until you find one that does. Some times its the job itself, other times its who you work with and for, and your ideal job might not be one your partner or friends or family think is "worthy" of you. Whatever it takes, do it, because you spend a third of your time at it, so make it rewarding.
• Don't work so much. Set boundaries with your job. What those are is up to you. Choose things outside of work that are more important to you, and make it clear to your employers that those come first. For me it was my son at first. Now its my free time, and certain events I want to attend, like Burning Man. Whatever those things are for you, set firm and reasonable expectations and stick with them. It can be hard to tell your boss "no," but if they respect you, together you can figure out how to make it work (and if they don't, then find another job).
• Get your finances in order. Many people think this means earning more money to afford things (which breaks the above rule), or cutting out fun things (which makes life pointless and dull), or both. Honestly, it depends on you and your particular situation, there's no single magic bullet for this. Having debts and worrying about your bills constantly erodes your quality of life on a daily basis. If you need help with this, seek it out, there are non-profit resources available. (I will write about my solution in another post)
• Try new things. New foods, new music, new ANYTHING. Develop the habit of saying yes, and don't be afraid to admit, after you tried it, that you didn't like it. Take pleasure in discovering something you didn't like! Take pride in saying "I tried it!" instead of being the person who sits back and shakes their head. It doesn't need to be big things, everything counts. 
• Learn new things, your way. Pick something you want to learn and start. Read books, take classes, watch online videos. Whatever, just get started. Anything counts. 
• Learn to quit. This is a big one. Our culture is big on finishing and following through and "quitters never win, and winners never quit!" Its bullshit. A wise person knows when something isn't working, and changes course. If you don't like the class you're taking, stop. If you're job isn't fulfilling, look for a new one. If you always wanted to ride motorcycles, and after a ride or two decide its not what you thought it was, then stop. There is no shame in having tried and realized its not your thing. The only shame is in not having tried. This applies to relationships, too. Don't stay in one that isn't working, no matter how long you've been in it. Not everything is meant to last forever, move on.
• Be selfish. Two of the most acceptable reasons for anything you do need to be "I want to" and "I don't want to." This doesn't mean be a self-centered person, it means not to be entirely other-people-centered. Find balance, and include yourself in your choices. You have to stop viewing your life as other people might see it. In today's world, people tend to think other people's lives are amazing because of their posts on social media, and you might want your life to seems amazing to. That's living for other people. If you love sitting on the couch reading, just do that. It won't look awe inspiring on social media, but it will make you happy.
• Take care of your health. A lot of things in life feel better when you're healthy. Just waking up is better when you're healthy, because you sleep better. You don't have to go nuts with a radical diet change or get a personal trainer. Start small and make little changes that will accumulate, but do something to improve your health, whatever it is now. 
• Reflect. "A life unexamined is not worth living." Think about your experiences, you choices, how they turned out and what you can learn from them. Again, even the little things count. You will learn about yourself, and that will guide you to a more fulfilling life. 

In a nut shell, that's it. I could expand all that into a book (maybe I should!), but in essence, that's it. None of them is that difficult on their own, and chances are you already do some of them. Together they will improve your life exponentially.

The fact is, having a fulfilling life is not a difficult thing. We are built to be in love with life. We just get caught up thinking that we are supposed to be happy doing what makes other people happy, and that's not true. How boring the world would be if we all like the same things! What would we talk about? Seek out YOUR happy life, don't try to replicate someone else's.

If you're feeling like you lack direction in your life, you don't need to make a radical change. Just commit to making a small change every day.

There's a parable about a prince, who decided he would toss a pebble, every day, into the river he walked past daily. At first is seemed like nothing, and he did it. Eventually, he thought it was pointless, and he considered stopping, but his mentor convinced him to keep it up. Over time, the pebbles accumulated, into a large pile in the river, which noticeably changed the course of the river. The tiny daily effort of the prince built into a big change. That is how you build a fulfilling life from where you are, with a small consistent effort. 

Midlife San Crisis

I spent yesterday and this morning working on my motorcycle. A month or so ago I wrapped the exhaust pipes in fiberglass, the result was a change in the tuning of the bike, it didn't run as smooth and my mileage dropped from over 50 mpg to about 40. I understood why, it had to do with trapping more heat in the pipes and increasing back pressure and blah, blah, blah.

I knew I'd have to make changes to the carburetor,Yesterday I installed a velocity stack and re-jetted the carb (see post here if you want details), but by the end of the day, after about 30 miles of riding and tuning I still couldn't get it quite right. Carburetor tuning is a tricky thing, and I'd never done it before, every car I ever owned had fuel injection.

This morning, I pulled the carb off again, opened it up and changed one of the jets again. Once it was back in, it only took a few miles of riding to get it tuned right and the bike was riding like it hasn't in weeks. I took it out around town and put another 30 miles on it just for the pure joy of riding. Neighborhoods, city streets, highways, stop and go, cruising, throttle wide open, working smoothly up through the gears or full throttle, 1-2-3-4! Just riding my ride.

There's nothing quite like riding a motorcycle, especially one that's running perfectly, doubly so for one that you've been elbow deep inside to make it your own. Which is what brought me to where I am now, writing this.

When I was a kid, in the late seventies, Star Wars was a big deal for me, I owned dozens of the toys. But my fondest memories were of riding my bike down the street to the community college and scavenging cardboard from the dumpsters to build my own space ships and secret bases for my Star Wars figures. As cool as the manufactured ones seemed on TV, they never lived up to my expectations, but when I built something out of cardboard and glue, it never failed to be prefect -- at least in my eyes.

It was about that time I first heard the phrase "mid-life crisis." I was a pre-teen and it didn't mean that much to me, I just knew adults said it half jokingly when ever someone's father bought a sports car, or some other "toy."

Eventually, I came to recognize it as meaning a man, usually  in his late 40's or early 50's, who society believes is trying to relive his youth through flashy cars and younger women and generally "not acting his age." People said it behind some poor guy's back and giggled at him. Its a derogatory term, and one I've come to believe completely misses the truth for many men of every age.

Underlying the "juvenile" behavior of such men is an assumption about what they should be doing, how they should behave, and what should make them happy. Which is backed by the blanket assumption that everyone should be fulfilled and satisfied by a fairly limited set of ideals, usually career, wife, kids, house and a week or two of vacation every year -- The one-size-fits-all life path.

My life never followed that exact path, but then I never wanted it to. My life also didn't follow the path I wanted for a long time, either. At 20 I became a father, by 23 I was a single father. By the time I was 30, I owned my own growing business and was raising a school aged child on my own (not to dismiss the help and support of my family, just saying I didn't have a wife or girlfriend living with me to share the responsibilities or financial burden.) At 33 I bought a house. I had a career, a family, a house, I took a couple vacations, life was good.

But it was not fulfilling.

That's not to say I was miserable all the time, there is a lot of gray area between utter and complete misery, and blissful happiness, I liked my job, most of the time, I had a good set of friends, I had hobbies I enjoyed. But I didn't have the freedom I expected of my life when I was younger.

Having a child, particularly alone, limits your freedom, and freedom is what I wanted from life. Freedom to explore, to be creative, to try new things, go new places -- to walk away from whatever wasn't fulfilling me. You can't do that when you have a child. Sure, you can do some things, but if those aren't the things that fulfill you (and they mostly weren't) then you're stuck.

When my son left for college, I left all that behind. The house, the business, the Midwest, I walked away from it all and started over with a girl half my age in a new city. I stumbled around for a few years, broke, often unhappy, not sure where I was headed, but oddly fulfilled. Even in my misery I was fulfilled.

For the last few years I've pursued things that interest me for as long as they interest me. Sometimes I walk away from them because I loose interest, but at least I know that it wasn't for me, because I tired. I tend bar and sleep til noon, I have no drive to buy another house or have an expensive car (I love my beat up old Jeep!) I bought a motorcycle at 44 years old, I go out drinking with 20-somethings and party til dawn frequently. I usually work 3 or 4 days a week, and don't care about "career advancement" because I don't want the responsibilities, I'd rather have time to take day trips or tinker on a project in the middle of the week.

If I were 25 this kind of behavior would be expected. People would say I was getting it out of my system or sewing my oats before I settled down. At 45 many surely point and giggle and whisper "mid-life crisis," behind my back.They're wrong.

In fact, I think for most men hung with that label, its wrong. The simplified mold doesn't fit us all. I never wanted a wife and kids and career, my mother will tell you I said as much in kindergarten (I wanted to be like my Uncle Jimmy!), I might not have expressed it as clearly then, but I felt it.

The crisis in my life came when I had to fit at least part of that mold. I had to settle down into an existence I was told should fulfill me, and yet I was unfulfilled. For years -- more than a decade -- I believed there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't happy because there was some flaw in my psyche. If I could only let go of my foolish ideals, and "grow up," I could be happy.

I now believe that many men go through life equally as unfulfilled, but due to the emotional self-castration our culture forces on boys, they never even face the empty feelings they have. Some drink or do drugs, others are abusive, others quietly retreat into silence in front of the TV or spectator sports (believing they're too old to participate). They either wither and die inside, or they rage and seek escape in unhealthy ways.

Until the day comes when enough is enough and they leave part or all of it behind, seeking to find the happiness they once knew in their youth by doing the things they did in their youth. Where else would you start looking for happiness than where you last felt it?

At these times they no longer identify with the man they've tried to become, they seek a new identity, their authentic identity, the one they've been told is wrong for all their lives. And our culture calls them fools, and laughs at them for it. We laugh at them for trying to be happy -- for not finding happiness where we told them they must.

This is why I reject the idea of a mid-life crisis. Its not a crisis, its a self-rescue from a quiet, desperate crisis one has been living for years, perhaps decades.

Not everyone finds happiness in the same things, and that's ok. My happiness is not a threat or invalidation to yours. If what fulfills me doesn't fulfill you, then go find your own way, and I'll find mine. The sooner, and younger, you find the courage to walk away from things that don't fulfill you, and to admit to the world your path is different, the happier you'll be, even if its a difficult path. (This goes for men and women, by the way.)

As I cruise by on my motorcycle and flirt with that 20-something girl, you may giggle, but you shouldn't, because at least I'm trying. I may find these things don't fulfill me ultimately, or having satisfied the desire, I may move on to something else equally as funny to you, but at least I tried, and I know and don't wonder anymore.

I've been elbow deep in my own life (and will be many more times, I expect), tinkering and modifying it to fit my tastes and trying to getting it running perfectly. As fun as riding a motorcycle is, nothing compares to riding a life that fulfills you.